Two for the Price of One!

Aren’t you lucky??? No, but seriously. I have two things on my mind tonight and intend to write both of them here before the hour of midnight has struck.

NUMBER ONE – Moving onward and upward and I kind of, admittedly, am afraid of the future. Hardly in the conventional sense, though. I embrace what God has for me with open arms and wide open eyes and heart and mind. See, what I am apprehensive of is the closing of my first book in The New Series. I’ve been with these guys through everything, and just watching them grow and change and become what I knew they would become–and 2/3 of the time what I never anticipated at all–is filling my heart more than I can stand.

I’m about to plunge into the final part of my book. This is defining in every aspect not only for my characters and the city, but for me as a person. Forget writer, author, artist, whatever. My characters have shown me more about life and about myself than any self-help book ever could. In a way, I guess you could say we grew into adulthood together (even though some of them already are adults). I love them as a family in and of themselves. I desperately want the best for each of them. But I know that in closing book one out, book two will come, and with it comes the beginning of massive, seemingly-impossible hurdles we’ll have to cross together or die, so to speak. Most of all, looking at it now, I’ll miss what this book has taught me:

Family isn’t always blood; when family is blood, it doesn’t matter what they do or say because they’re still you’re family and you should love them; heck, extend that to loving everyone everywhere at all times no matter what; mistakes ALWAYS have consequences; people will snap if you push them too far; betrayal hurts every party involved; most of all, never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER give up hope. Ever. EVER.

My God is bigger than hopelessness. Making it past the following topic proved that for me.

NUMBER TWO – Psych meds. That’s right, you heard me: PSYCH MEDS. As in for sanity and mental stability. YEP. They are personality-altering, and they have done more harm than good for creative people like me. When I was in 8th grade, I took Aderall, and it stifled me so much so, that my friends hated the zombie I’d been turned into. Recently, due to emotional strain from plenty of upsetting hurdles in The Semester From Hell (I’ll write about that later), I thought trying something to stop my mind from fixating on dying from illness would put my anxiety at ease. Well, for a day, it did. Then The Two Weeks From Tartarus fell upon me.

Imagine someone coming into your head and pushing you out from the back, so you dig your heels in and fight back, and eventually you come to a stalemate where the other is staring deeply into your eyes and whispering constantly that it’s okay to be mindless. The last night I took Luvox, I was two pulses of anxiety away from making my mother drive me to the hospital. I’ve been a little quiet this June. That’s largely why. I hated my cognitive function being cut by 3/4, and I absolutely hated the fact that I thought myself strange while on these meds, couldn’t get a grip on anything creative, and struggled to untangle a simple knot problem! Struggled until I sweated. It was bad.

(Narnia was a huge savior here, but I’ll write about that later.) For two weeks, I barely wrote a single word. For someone who had written almost seven chapters in May, this made me frustrated beyond belief. Once I was off the meds, approximately two days later I had the entire chapter done: first draft, edits, revisions, quote, and all the extra things that went into it. Done. Boom. Easy.

So never again will I take any sort of psych drug ever (EVER) again. And I would advise you stay well away from them unless you like the Third Reich being established in your head.

Dear hearts, as I embark on this journey to the Realm of Almost-Finished-Bookdom, I pray that you remember that hope is never lost and you are far more loved and far stronger than you think or will ever know. I’m here with you in this race, and I’m reaching out as a friend, a sister, a cousin, someone to pray for you, and always as a sister in Christ. I’m back on board. And I’m ready to face the future one hurdle at a time.

C.M.

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